


blanks

by discopolice



Category: Wakfu
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/discopolice/pseuds/discopolice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>pre-eliatrope exodus: Yugo and Nora attempt to get the latter pregnant, biological circumstances interfere, and Qilby gets a few laughs at Yugo's expense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	blanks

**Author's Note:**

> if this ever stops being as goddamn hilarious to me as it is tonight, I'll take it down. for now, enjoy

When Yugo finally finds Qilby in one of his labs, the first words out of his mouth are “So, uh.”

"Yes?" Qilby wears that smile of his, where his mouth curls up kindly but his eyes still seem to judge. Yugo scowls; it’s like those eyes are staring straight into his soul, right now.

"I need your help with something," he says, shifting from foot to foot. "But can you, uh, not tell anyone?"

"You have my word," Qilby says. His word is, admittedly, pretty cheap. "Now, out with it. I don’t have all day, you know."

"It’s me and Nora," Yugo mutters, and then starts chewing on his bottom lip. Qilby would  _like_  to say _if you hurt her I will have your head taxidermied and mounted on that wall, over there, and I’ve thought about the placement very carefully,_ but instead he cocks his head questioningly.

Yugo’s face goes bright red, and he stammers out, “Uh, we really want kids… so we’ve been trying to get… pregnant, but…”

"Oh." Qilby straightens and gives a very convincing concerned look, furrowed brow and all. "… Are you sure this is the right place to discuss this?"

"You’re right," Yugo says, and that’s how he ends up on a stone temple bench. Fitting, given that he was just praying a few days ago for reproductive success; right now, he’s just praying that he can get through this conversation without wanting to commit ritual suicide.

His fears are realized when Qilby rests a hand on his shoulder (heavy and way too friendly), looks Yugo straight in the eyes, and asks in a hushed tone, “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”

Yugo chokes on his own spit for a few seconds, and Qilby waits patiently for him to return to his senses. 

” _Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?_ ”

"You do know that you’re supposed to put it in the front hole, the one that gets wet on its own, rather than in the back— or, rather, the one that gets wet on its own if you’re doing something right—" 

"Yes, Qilby! We haven’t even— augh!" a purple-faced Yugo hisses. Not one of his proudest moments, for sure.

"Just making sure," Qilby says, completely straight-faced. "Then. Have you considered you might simply not be… Ah, that you might be shooting blanks, so to speak?" 

He doesn’t mention the fact that  _all_  of the original six are shooting blanks - or, er, shooting blanks from their ovaries, in the case of the women. Qilby will tell that to Nora when she comes to ask a few days later; Yugo can figure it out on his own. (Oh, Goddess, but this is  _hilarious_!)

"Yeah, but…" Yugo looks down and to the side, avoiding Qilby’s overly-familiar gaze. "That’s a guy’s pride, you know? I don’t want to just assume that I can’t…."

"Don’t worry so much about it," Qilby says. His hand returns to its post on Yugo’s shoulder, and his face keeps absolutely straight. "If you’re still having trouble in a few months, we can do some tests. Nothing painful, mind you, all you’d have to do is ejaculate into a cup and—"

"I’ll consider it," Yugo manages. It sounds like he’s being strangled. "Thanks." The speed at which the blue-hatted man flings up a portal and jumps through it is impressive. Once he’s sure Yugo is far away, Qilby slumps on the bench and starts into an awful, bellowing laughter.


End file.
